The “Con” List

A long-standing joke amongst like minded 20-something childless (child-free) friends, turned into an official document.

Read with a sense of humour and remember offence is taken, not given.

The Official Con List of Procreating

  1. Say “good-bye” to a solid 8 hours of sleep for the next ~decade.
  2. The “doctor-recommended” list of things you can’t eat/drink while pregnant/breast-feeding keeps growing: tea, coffee, pop, anything caffeine, sushi, fish in general, soft cheeses, deli meat, pate, any raw meat, hot dogs, artificial sweeteners, pineapple, papaya, sesame seeds, canned foods.…
  3. No booze while pregnant/breast-feeding (yes, this is deserving of its own point separate from the above).
  4. Finding, retaining, and paying a reliable baby-sitter.
  5. Sticky hands, sticky kitchen counters, sticky floors, ruined sofas.
  6. Total home destruction.
  7. Children in public – enough said.
  8. Baby showers.
  9. When pregnant, complete strangers often feel they have license to strike up a conversation and touch your stomach.
  10. One word:  stretchmarks.
  11. Quoting a friend who was 9 months preggo at the time (Facebook status):  “…no one told me that when the hips start to split it feels like I’ve been kicked in the box by a steel-toed boot.”
  12. Diapers. Shit. Urine. Vomit. Baby rash cream.
  13. Having to lose the baby weight afterwards.
  14. Baby clothes; they outgrow them in 3 hours.
  15. Potty training. Until they “get it” be prepared to change bed sheets on a daily basis.
  16. Giving birth to the placenta.
  17. Good-bye, sex life.
  18. Shopping for, paying for, and hauling around car seats, strollers and cribs.
  19. Complete and utter devastation to the vagina and surrounding areas.
  20. The sick thing that happens to a pregnant lady’s belly button where it looks like the foetus is trying to escape.
  21. Those TACKY pregnancy pictures (if people tell you yours aren’t tacky or awkward, they’re lying).
  22. You get shafted at your birthday and Christmas since people will start getting you pregnancy- or baby-related gifts.
  23. You absolutely cannot bring your offspring to social events.
  24. MILF status.
  25. Out of control mood swings and food cravings.
  26. Quote from a mother: “If you have to make a pros & cons list, you shouldn’t have a kid. It’s not like buying a car.”
  27. You can’t scuba dive while pregnant.
  28. Kids are expensive in general.  Feeding, clothing, schooling, extra-curricular activities, etc. for 18+ years.
  29. That’s the end of adult-only interactions until you find that coveted baby-sitter.
  30. Crying, whining, fussing children.  Temper-tantrums in general.
  31. You could have the next Hitler, bin Laden, Britney Spears, etc.
  32. Minivans.
  33. Breast-feeding. Ouch.
  34. Breast-feeding in public. Controversial.
  35. Children’s music.
  36. “Family vacations” / road trips
  37. Those awkward, obnoxious, rebellious teen years (approximately 9-21).
  38. Worrying about your kid getting knocked up, addicted to meth, getting in a car accident, and their general well-being and safety at all times.
  39. Worrying about just screwing up your kid in general.
  40. You might eventually become a grandparent.
  41. Crazy hockey moms are now your peers.
  42. Good-bye, spare time.
  43. Mandatory bed-rest during 3rd trimester is apparently pretty common.
  44. Diminished chance of exciting, long-term, or international travel.
  45. Morning sickness.
  46. Cankles.
  47. No pedicures, manicures, hair colouring, etc, during pregnancy because of “chemicals and fumes”.
  48. Frequent constipation/gas
  49. People are going to want to watch/videotape the whole birthing procedure (at best, you’re going to have to repeatedly explain that there is a waiting room for a reason).
  50. Teletoon
  51. After becoming a parent, addressing your own needs/wants first suddenly becomes horrible and selfish.
  52. “What are you going to name your baby?”
  53. Attending school theatrical/musical productions.
  54. “Mom jeans”.
  55. Parent/teacher interviews.
  56. Kids will put ANYthing up their noses – or any orifice, for that matter.  And you have to get it out.
  57. As explained by a parent: “You will no longer get the same enjoyment out of Quentin Tarantino films and their senseless violence”.
  58. Play-dates & sleepovers, where you just obtain more kids and you can’t even punish them.
  59. Spanking is frowned upon.  Oh, no, wait, now it’s okay.  Oh, nope, spoke too soon, spanking is awful and will cause permanent mental damage.  Oh, nope, it’s actually a useful parenting tool….
  60. You are 100% responsible for another human life.
  61. Career could be put on hold or set back.
  62. “Baby-proofing” your house.
  63. Kids tend to repeat what they overhear at the most inopportune time: “Daddy says Auntie is a slut.”
  64. They learn to divide and conquer: “But Dad said I could…”
  65. Grandparents / extended family will always complain about not seeing them often enough.
  66. Kids + cell phones/technology = nightmare
  67. Allergies: say goodbye to Mr. Fluffy (ed note: hopefully not! There are options!)
  68. Constant, unsolicited advice from “more experienced” mothers.
  69. Strangers will come in to touch and adore your baby without asking.
  70. Quadruplets can happen.  Naturally.
  71. The word “womb” and other pregnancy-related jargon.
  72. “Baby on Board” window stickers.
  73. While pregnant, you have to start measuring all time in weeks.  Once the kid comes, all time is in months.
  74. Your kid could be stupid or a bully and you won’t even know because “love is blind”.
  75. Toy, furniture and food recalls – total paranoia (“that wasn’t made in China, was it?”).
  76. Ultrasounds – uncomfortable and the technician can be a jerk.  And now they have the extra-creepy 3D photos.
  77. “Are you getting him/her baptized?”
  78. The awkward newborn tour around the office.
  79. There are about a million different possible “birthing experiences”, about which even perfect strangers will be highly opinionated.
  80. Global over-population is a real epidemic.
  81. Even seemingly normal people will often involuntarily revert to baby talk simply in the presence of an infant.
  82. There’s rarely a “right age” or a “right time” to have a kid.
  83. Labour in general.  Ouch.  And apparently they only reserve c-sections for special circumstances.
  84. AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com – that could be you!
  85. Even if your child is a perfect little angel (good luck), chances are he or she will have a “best friend” who is a total pain in the ass, and a bad influence on your kid, but you can’t really forbid your child to see his/her best friend, can you?
  86. You will get to fight internal battles between your inner child and your inner parent on an ongoing basis, usually in public, and often while your child is waging the same battle externally. (“Why can’t he have that?” “Do you want to give in just because he asks?” “Is it wrong to give him what he wants?” “When does it end, and how do you define the end point?” “Isn’t it good for them to have a little fun, get something ‘just because’?” etc.)
  87. It’s hard to feel like you’re doing the right thing.
  88. Your kids will eat your food. Off your plate. And then put some of it half-chewed back onto your plate. Get used to it.
  89. Homework. At least 12 years of it.  I hope you remember long division.
  90. Nature or nurture?  It doesn’t matter – they’re both your fault.
  91. Post-pardem depression.
  92. You get to experience hubris in a new way. “Whoa, we made another whole creature, and we didn’t even ASK if they wanted to be made!” Who do we think we are, anyway?

Feel free to comment with your own additions!

We also tried our best with a Pro List. It’s admittedly shorter. Click here to see it.

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About ThatJenK
Writing from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. 90% pictures of my dogs; 10% miscellaneous opinions nobody asked for.

10 Responses to The “Con” List

  1. Violet says:

    oh my such a long list. I FREAKIN’ LOVE IT!!

  2. Violet says:

    HAHAHAHA okay I especially LOVE #’s 14 20 21 26 31 32 54 74 85 88

    As for the terrible pregnany photos, the ones that creep me out the most are where the dad has his face smushed against the giant stomach with a smile placed on his face that says “I know this is stupid but my wife made me do this”

  3. Violet says:

    Okay I’ve got a few more to add to the list:

    93) KID’S CAN’T GO IN BARS! Hence, neither can you. (And if for some reason you do go to a bar/pub/lounge you’re looked at as a social disgrace.)

    94) During the birthing procedure apparently its not uncommon to have your hoo hoo expanded with a surgical knife. (I know you mentioned distruction of the vag, but I think this deserves special mention)

    95) Don’t forget all the germs your kid brings home from school. When your kid gets sick you do to. HELLO PINK EYE!

    96) You mention overpopulation as in crowding but don’t forget doubling your carbon footprint. Kids are oxygen using, animal eating, minivan pollution increasing, garbage making machines.

    I’m sure I’ll think of more. Thanks for this article. This truely made me a happier person. lol (and I’m glad you wrote it not me as I’m sure many will take offense to it!! HA!)

  4. Pingback: Children? Gross. | Whostolemyblogname's Blog

  5. paperforgood says:

    I love this list… GREAT job, very important to consider when thinking about having children. Some of this stuff just made me ROFL.

    http://paperforgood.wordpress.com

  6. Pingback: If you knew before you had children… « Paper For Good

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  9. Pingback: The “Pro” List | Back Alley Soapbox

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